Comedy Confidential: Adventures in a Comedian's Underbelly
“If I had had an adventure, tasted forbidden fruit and everything that followed in my life - the food, the long and often stupid and self-destructive chase for the next thing, whether it was drugs or sex or some other new sensation - would all stem from this moment. I’d learned something. Viscerally, instinctively, spiritually - even in some small precursive way, sexually - and there was no turning back. The genie was out of the bottle. My life as a cook, and as a chef, had begun. Food had power.”
If you asked me to tell you exactly "why" Anthony Bourdain’s death hit me so hard, I couldn’t. However, I have a few theories:
Maybe it’s because it was a suicide. Throughout my life I’ve mourned people close to me that have been casualties to the same mental disease. Fallen victims to the belief, “that the world will be a better place without them.” It won’t. But depending on the person, the disease can catch quickly like a wildfire and take them under before anyone knows they were even suffering. For other people it can linger in their very essence being a constant battle for survival. Who knows which was the case for Anthony Bourdain? I don't.
Maybe his passing took me off guard, because it was in the same week as the suicide of iconic fashion designer, Kate Spade. For my birthday this year, I purchased my first “Kate Spade” bag along with a matching wallet. I was so excited to have unlocked this level of "Adult-ing" and even after her death I feel like I can still carry her legacy on by my choice of accessories. Yet, I am not as stricken with Kate's untimely death in the same way I am with Anthony Bourdain. Why?
Maybe it’s because, in the recent weeks I have had two separate conversations with close girlfriends regarding their significant others’ (both men) having suicidal thoughts. From personal experience, I know men can suffer more quietly from a disease like depression, bipolar tendencies or suicidal thoughts than women. A lot of it I attribute to a man’s thinking, “suck it up.” Heck, it’s even difficult to get a man to go to the doctor and seek treatment for something he can see on his face let alone something he can’t see in his mind. So, good luck with getting a man to go to the doctor and may the force be with you! (I really do mean it.)
But maybe, I am grieving Anthony Bourdain's death because I have heard the sound of his voice. As a voice-over artist myself I am trained in the art of storytelling. And boy howdy, did he have the gift. I knew exactly when his show, “No Reservations” came on. His voice was instantly recognizable. A voice-over artist’s dream.
Or maybe, I am taking Anthony Bourdain’s sudden departure from this world so personally because I have a real-life crush on a chef. Of course they are different people, but something about their shared profession led me to think that by learning about Anthony I would also inadvertently learn about the person I'm attracted to. In my past, I have taken up the same hobbies or attended events to learn about the passions of a person I liked. In improv we call it, "a shared experience," and it's not the craziest idea I've ever had to get to know someone.
After all, I was reading about the trade that they both had fallen in love with and devoted their lives to. I know everyone’s origin story is different, but in context I knew that my crush and Anthony had both fallen in love with food, liked to play with knives and had similar scars on their hands from cooking professionally. With all of Anthony’s insights and trade secrets, I hoped it would help me learn about a person and an industry of which I knew little. Too far fetched? Maybe. But then, why was I still so enthralled in reading Anthony's book, "Kitchen Confidential, Adventures in the Culinary Underbelly"?
Possibly because, in his book I saw the same mosaic of characters in Anthony's stories from when I was a server in multiple bars and restaurants all over the country. Everywhere from a Tex-Mex restaurant in Juneau, Alaska, to a fine dining restaurant in Fort Worth, Texas, to a music/restaurant venue in New York, New York. I recognized the description of the naive waiter asking the chef what prosciutto was (probably me at some point in my serving career), the disgruntled dishwasher, the Latinos in the kitchen, the amazingly precise food runners, all of it. I had been a part of that world too. I was a small cog in the wheel which makes a restaurant go round. In a lot of ways, as I read, "Kitchen Confidential," I felt like Anthony Bourdain could have been my chef.
Honestly though, it’s hard to say which of these reasons outweighed the others because I felt sadness and longing in each of them. What might have been had Anthony Bourdain gotten help? Did he know the terminal nature of mental health disease?? Did he underestimate it's power to destroy and ultimately take life so quickly??? People are terrified of cancer, but a mental health disease can take another victim before friends, family or doctors can even see signs or symptoms. Ultimately, the answers to my questions are, “ I don’t know.” Anthony took himself off the line and retired his chef’s knife forever.
So, here I am... soul searching for answers... and I make the discovery…I see myself. Please re-read the quote above, but replace Anthony's words with mine:
“cook” with “performer,”
“chef” with “comedian,” and
“food” with “laughter.”
Ladies and Gentlemen, you have me! Turns out, Anthony Bourdain and I have more in common than I thought. Our stories are different, our scars don’t match, but from a young age we both have had a passion in our lives which has been the driving force behind every decision (however misguided or self-destructive) we’ve ever made.
Now I know, "why" I enjoyed learning about Anthony and "why" I continued to read about the culinary underbelly. In his stories... I saw comedy. As a comedian I am also part of a subculture, I am also socially awkward outside of my performance space without knowing "normal" social cues, my life also revolves are around my "pirate crew" of other comedians and I too can only hope to find love one day with someone who accepts me, my passions, and the unconventional life I love.
In a twist of fate, I didn’t need to look outside to connect the dots.
I only needed to look within.
I am grateful for my purpose.
with love,
Winn
Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline if you or someone you know needs help:
1-800-273-8255